As I stand in front of my canvas, I’m hesitant at the finality of my dark paint. I long for the gentle pastels and brilliance of dawn to lighten my canvas. Sometimes life’s struggles feels like we are being forced to paint with colors we didn’t choose, but each stroke is our own. Perhaps it is our own choices in how we use our brush to turn adversity into wisdom and richness, that truly shapes the canvas.
My canvas is awash in dark midnight blues of sleepless nights, the obsidian of past mistakes, and aubergine self-doubt. The slate greys of heartache and disappointment seems to lay beneath every layer. All my lost moments, unknowns and uncertainties appear on the canvas in swirls of mahogany and onyx while the sensations of tension and confrontation are intertwined in my paint brush. Even the darkest colors have their place. My brush flows over empty space to release all my darker secrets, revealing the thoughts I had previously hidden. As I paint, I feel the release of my past memoires. They now stand before me, in a mirage of color — undeniably beautiful. With every stroke dark hues dance across the canvas, and I pause to absorb the feelings my mural has evoked. I accept the fragmented memories and experiences that have shaped the painting, that have shaped me.
Perhaps the overlapping hints of dusky purple and smoke are just quieter times of strength where I have taken cover in the shadows to provide myself reprieve — to allow myself the time needed to understand and accept before looking ahead.
Every shadow my paintbrush creates, though it trembles and drifts, is saturated with determination and resolve to continue forward. Regardless how heavy the paint or overwhelming the colors that have been chosen for me I accept their symphony of hues; I accept their lessons as radiant bursts of pigment, carrying me to the next stage of my journey.
I know with confidence now that darker colors are the foundation for the brighter hues that I now wear today — awareness and wisdom I couldn’t have gained without these experiences and lessons.
I’m suddenly no longer hesitant in my strokes of this mural of my life. I am certain of my midnight blues, obsidian, and aubergine of past regrets — choices where the outcomes were so far from my intended desires. In the quiet moments in my studio, with every movement of my brush on the canvas, I catch a glimpse of what could be. I embrace my slate greys of heartache as I know they will be softened with time. I cradle mahogany and onyx of my misunderstandings and blame as they will be replaced with reassurance. With my paintbrush I create space for them on my canvas. I paint with conviction in their purpose and surrender to their flow. Hard moments and lingering shadows carve paths towards infinite possibilities and light. They show us the life’s cycles and delicate balance where our challenges become opportunities for growth and awakening.
Unknowns are possibilities, the path is not about avoiding the darkness but embracing it to discover the brilliance in it’s messages. Join me in the third and final part to see what my blank canvas holds.
Photo Credit UnSplash Johannes Plenio
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